How many times have we heard “comparison is the thief of joy?” I’ve heard it countless times and yet, it doesn’t stop me from comparing myself to others. I think it’s a really human, natural thing to do - we want to be “in”, to belong, to stay in connection with others, and so we’re always noticing what others are doing and seeing how we stack up.
At the same time, it doesn’t always make me feel great about myself (understatement of the year??). Growing up, I did it too, but I think it was on a different level because social media wasn’t there to remind me of all of the amazing, wonderful, impressive things everyone on my newsfeed has going on in their lives. Social media is such a mixed bag of emotions for many of us - we might enjoy the connection with our friends, seeing their lives and what they’re doing - but it might also leave us feeling not enough.
I saw this post on Instagram, and it made me chuckle because it was so relatable (replace “getting ready to dust” with any household chore or task). Though, to be honest, it’s not even fair to compare myself to Taylor Swift, because she’s Taylor Swift.
I’m not exactly sure what it is…I’ve mentioned how easy it is to get caught up in the pace of modern living, and I suppose comparison falls into that too (though I wouldn’t be surprised if Neanderthals also compared themselves to each other, too). It is so human of us to want so desperately to belong that we spend our time seeing how we measure up. Ironically, by trying to compare ourselves to others and making ourselves feel bad, we miss out on chances for true, authentic connections.
I did a poll on my Instagram, and found that 47% of you said, “yes” you compare yourself to others on social media, 47% of you said “sometimes” you compare yourself to others on social media, and 5% of you said “no,” you don’t compare yourself to others on social media. You 5%, teach us your ways! In all seriousness, with my informal poll, 94% of people admitting to comparing yourself to others on social media is pretty significant.
We know I love a glimmer, and while I find it easier and easier to point out the glimmers in my life and recognize how much they bring connection, joy, and peace, there’s some nagging feeling I get when I start to engage in comparison to others.
I’m going to use the example of social media because most of us use it frequently. It normally goes something like this: opens social media, scrolls through, starts to like/love posts about various accomplishments, keeps scrolling, heavy feeling in chest sets in…sits with uncomfortable feeling and realizes feeling of inadequacy. “Wow. She’s accomplished so much.” “He’s so happy in his job.” “Wow. It must be nice to be on another vacation.”
In those moments, I can’t help but compare myself to others. Sometimes, if I’m being honest, I just don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much in my 37 years. It always seems like I should have ______ or should be at ____ point. You can fill in the blanks with anything there.
What’s interesting is that social media is meant for connection— and that is why I keep it and the part I love about it. There’s nothing that makes me happier than reading about your glimmers as we connect through the internet, and interestingly enough, I don’t feel that tug of comparison when reading about your joys. I love seeing friends’ families and adventures.
However, even though I know and have read about how social media is simply a snapshot of someone’s life; mostly, the best part of their day/week/month, it’s still hard to stop my brain from comparing me to others. Sometimes it makes me sad though, because I’ll view the post of what I thought was a close friend, only to see some big life news being posted, and I’ll wonder why I have to read about it because the algorithm happened to show it to me; why couldn’t this friend have texted this exciting news? It’s fascinating to observe the way social media has fundamentally changed the way we interact with each other.
I had this comparison conversation with my friend the other day, and I mused that it’s so interesting how we all think of ourselves. My friend asked how I was doing, and I was honest with her. I told her that some days, everything just feels hard. After some reflection, I realized that a big part of it is likely social media…My friend said something interesting to me though. She said “I definitely compare myself to others, but I compare myself to you too….I mean you get so much done- reading, walking/working out, painting, cooking, your PhD work, etc.”
While this was interesting to read, and a reality check to realize that yes, I do all these things, I also pointed out to my friend that my partner does 80% of household tasks, I don’t have a young child I’m caring for (like she does), and there are sooo many other things I don’t get done. It just proves that people only see a part of your life, no matter how close you are and no matter how much you’re doing, it’s easy to feel like you aren’t doing enough.
I came across this article, “How to Break Out of the Social Media Comparison Trap.” I found the image from the article especially interesting:
It’s well worth the quick read, but I’ve decided to summarize some of the tips here. Basically, the article highlights how easy it is to get sucked into the “vortex of comparison” because we are highly visual creatures. Social media is designed to broadcast things in the most visual way, but what isn’t in the picture perhaps tells a more accurate story (the crying kids and bribery behind the perfectly posed family photo, the retouching app behind the flawless face and skin post).
“We lack nuance, contextual details, and often the more difficult moments of people’s lives, and so we fill in the gaps with our own (sometimes unhelpful or inaccurate) assumptions,” So if, like me, quitting social media isn’t an option you want to pursue, here are some tips that might help:
Check in with yourself. Listen to your body. See how you feel before using social media and after. Ask yourself, why am I opening up my phone to scroll? Is it going to help me or meet my needs, or should I consider a different activity? I recently started using an app called ClearSpace that leads you through breathing activities and allows more intentional engagement with social media and I *love* it.
Engage meaningfully, not mindlessly- is your social media usage active (messaging a friend) or passive (endlessly scrolling)? Are you focusing too much on others? Passive + focus on others can be a recipe for social comparison.
Set boundaries and focus on connections. Maybe you decide no social media in bed, or maybe you limit your time per day. Be sure to mute or unfollow accounts that don’t make you feel good. Make sure the accounts you follow add something to your life and align with your values.
Try to celebrate others’ wins. Obviously, we can’t see what goes on behind the scenes, but even if you find yourself comparing yourself to others, you can still genuinely celebrate their wins. Especially for small businesses, a like or a comment can make a big difference on their posts.
Prioritize IRL relationships. We need the “realness” of these in-person relationships to counteract the unrealistic ideals and expectations.
Remember your worth. The article says to show yourself more compassion, but if you read last week’s newsletter, you know I advocate for neutrality and noticings. Make sure you validate your feelings. Be gentle with yourself. Try to think of something you’re proud of about yourself or something you have done. It doesn’t need to be grandiose. Maybe you’re proud of yourself for flossing your teeth this week, or maybe you journaled before bed. Find those glimmers in your own life and within yourself!
As we close out the month of February, let us take a minute to acknowledge our own journeys and how far we have come. It’s okay when things feel hard. Life is hard, AND it can also be beautiful. That classmate from high school may have launched their own successful business AND you’re doing great simply because you exist. So, let us free ourselves from the whirling vortex of comparison and searching for meaning and connection- both on our social media feeds and in real life.
*trisha*
~On my TikTok, just a reminder that calming down is NOT the same as regulating your nervous system. Take a look to find out more!
~I threw a late Galentine’s brunch for some IRL friends, and I’m proud of the heart-shaped goodies I made. A highlight for me was the smashable chocolate heart filled with brownies and chocolate-covered pretzels…yum
~I saw this graphic from Instagram and thought it was beautiful. We all shine at our right moment!