oh the weather outside is frightful...and the holiday season is [sometimes] not so delightful
(how to gently move through the upcoming season)
Hey tiny sparks readers - coming to you with exciting news that my 2024 Glimmer planner is now ready for you! If you have loved learning about glimmers here but have a difficult time putting it into practice, then this is the planner for you. The Glimmer Self-Care Planner is your guide to making 2024 your best year yet by using cutting-edge psychology and neuroscience techniques. The planner also includes the glimmer workbook - with teachings and guided exercises to help you learn more about your brain, body, and nervous system to understand yourself, know yourself, and create a self-care plan that actually sticks.
In a recent newsletter, I talked about loving the fall season, but also not thriving with the dark time of year. That same thing applies to the holiday season for many of us.
There is so much to love (baking and enjoying baked goods! music! presents! seeing loved ones!), and much joy to be found, yet it is a challenging time of year for many. I feel like I am surrounded by different sources (social media, well-meaning individuals, and everything everywhere) telling or wishing me “happy” holidays, how to have the cheeriest, best time ever…and yet, for many of us, we may not feel cheerful. Amidst concerns happening in the world, our life stressors, and old patterns that may arise with family during the holidays, it can be a tricky time.
Sometimes we may feel a general gloomy sense of being down, and other times we may feel like the Grinch! There’s a reason if you search ‘holiday stress,’ the results are innumerable.
I’m inviting you to take this time as you read this message to explore this as an opportunity to find some strategies that may help you more gently move through the holidays and support yourself whether you’re feeling a little down, stressed and overwhelmed at all there is to do this time of year, or eager to celebrate, but want just want to find a bit more neutrality and ease.
The holidays are known to be a stressful time of year! Sometimes simply observing and acknowledging this fact helps calm my nervous system a bit. Simply saying it as an observation without judgment can help to take away the idea that it “should” be different. Many times we compare ourselves to others or what we see on social media with picture-perfect families, matching pajamas, pristinely devoted homes, and huge gift piles. This can often send us into shame or loneliness, thinking that there must be something wrong with us that we don’t have things or feel super joyful all of the time.
In addition to that, this time of year is often a time of year we may be expected to be around family more. For some of us, that may be a delight! But for others of us, it may lead to stress, overwhelm, and some of those old survival strategies kicking up. You see, we are biologically wired to want to stay in connection with our family, even when they don’t treat us the way we want to be treated. That means that even if we have done lots of personal exploration work and feel more confident and less self-critical and have learned to set boundaries, we may feel that slip away when we are back around our families and old friends.
If that happens - it is normal. It is expected. There is nothing wrong with you! Our brains have pathways in them that are created when we do things repeatedly, so the pathways formed about how we relate to our family are quite strong. So even if you’ve been in therapy for years and made a lot of space, it’s normal that when you sit down for a holiday dinner and your parent asks “Are you going to eat all of that?” that you may go into self-critical and self-judging patterns. The number one thing I can recommend to you this holiday season is to give yourself grace and practice observing what is happening rather than judging it or trying to make it different. Neutral observation is an incredibly powerful tool for creating tiny bits of space during times of stress!
Here are a few other ideas you can consider as you’re making your plans this year.
Plan ahead and communicate. Know what events are happening over the next weeks and decide which ones you will attend and which ones you won’t. It is ok to honor your capacity and honor your no - you have to do what’s best for you, and remember: you are only one person!
Prioritizing is key. Try to think which events (or people) are going to bring you joy and which might bring more stress. By saying yes to the events you know you’ll enjoy, it will give you something to look forward to on your calendar.
To help yourself know what to expect and plan ahead (for downtime too!), it’s helpful to have your plans scheduled in advance and possibly even written on a calendar so you have a visual representation of your time. Planning ahead can also be helpful for budgeting and financing purposes.
By the way - if you’re reading this tip and feeling your anxiety rise - how can you possibly say no to [insert event name here]? It’s okay! You are not alone. Trying to change our behaviors and pathways in our brain is hard in the best of times, let alone at a busy and stressful time of year. Instead, you can just practice observing that you may not want to go but feel like you have to. Can you honor the part of you that feels like you have to go? Can you notice how that part of you is trying to keep you in connection to others by not making waves?
Consider making a plan of how you want to spend in a way that aligns with your values. Most of the time, holidays involve spending money, but how AND how much is completely up to you. Maybe this year is the time for handmade creative gifts or a gift exchange instead of buying for all the cousins. Clear communication is important so that others know how you feel. Another fun, low-cost option is to make it a gift of presence and set a time to go on a hike together or check out a local museum and get some coffee.
Feel into the possibility of boundaries. As we discussed above, this is easier said than done! But allow yourself to observe your needs and wants and consider what it might look like - “We would love to come for lunch, and we will need to leave by 2:30.”
Maybe you’re not ready for that this year, but building your skill of tracking your wants and needs and observing any fear underlying having boundaries is preparing you to explore the possibility of setting the boundaries you want in the future.
Drama llama. See if you can practice observing any drama around you and not feeling pressure to engage. It seems like gatherings can bring drama even when we try to avoid it.
Whether it’s your Uncle Ben claiming global warming is fake, your mom rehashing arguments from years past, or your brother narrating and questioning your food choices, it’s a LOT.
I invite you to consider if you may be able to step back and observe what is happening without participating. Viewing yourself as an observer can help manage the stress of this situation. Also, it’s highly unlikely that hearts and minds are going to change during such conversations. It’s often better to disengage or get some distance (physical and emotional) when you feel the tension building.
You can also consider (if you’re ready!) setting a boundary either ahead of time or in the moment “I don’t want to talk about x topic. Please stop.”
Honor your grief. The holidays seem to be an increased time for grief and loss. Many of us are missing those loved ones who are no longer here. I know from my own experience and from hearing from others that people want to know their loved ones are remembered. Saying their names helps keep their memories alive! It can be hard when dealing with grief to celebrate as usual. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t force yourself to do things that seem too difficult. Understand that holidays may bring a heightened sense of loss, sadness, and loneliness. If you are feeling lonely, try reaching out to a friend for a phone call or video chat. Not up for that but craving the feeling of connection? Write a letter or engage in some art therapy and send it to a friend.
Simplify. Sure, it might be nice to make your grandma’s cookie recipe and decorate Pinterest-worthy cookies, or roast a turkey that would make Ina Garten jealous; however, would that bring you joy? If so, by all means- bake away! If not, or if it’s going to add more stress to your life, consider simplifying and ordering cookies from a local bakery or even picking some up at the grocery store. I know for me, it’s hard because I put pressure on myself around wanting others to be happy and know I love them, but I also know I feel better when I prioritize my well-being first.
Take a break and recharge. The holidays are known for their hustle and bustle. It’s no wonder they can be exhausting! Taking a break to recharge is important throughout the year, but during the holidays, you might need to be a bit more intentional about it. This might look like saying no to an event (even if you previously said yes). It might be making sure you have a down day/night in between busier days. It might be a midday nap or time to read a book in solitude.
Even though the holidays can get a bad reputation, they are meant to be fun and enjoyable. Set yourself up for the best chance of success and take care of your own mental health needs.
Another practice to consider is gratitude - in a notoriously commercialized season, it can help. Mindful breathing and focus on what’s truly important to you can help to make this season one of love and light.
Remember, it’s okay if this time of year isn’t your favorite. You don’t have to try to force yourself into loving it. Instead, you can use it as an opportunity to show up for yourself and take care of yourself in whatever way feels possible for you right now.
Feel free to join me on TikTok, Instagram, or YouTube where I share more ideas about how to show up for ourselves! Don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories today (and all Fridays) to share your glimmers (tiny sparks in your day that bring a sense of joy, wellness, and connectedness).
If you think a friend would find this helpful to get through the holiday season, please feel free to pass it along!
I would also love to hear from you - how do you make holidays work for you?
Wishing you a calm and peaceful start to the holiday season!
Sending tiny sparks of wellness your way,
Trisha
~On my TikTok, I’m chatting about discipline and why it seems like it might work but it’s really not the place to start.
~I’m a huge fan of appetizers, and this one for Bourbon Glazed Cranberry Baked Brie by BrunchwithBabs on Instagram looks delish!
~I’m reflecting on this graphic from Inha Arceo (@inhaarceoarts) on Instagram. I was chatting with a friend about how sometimes life’s stressors seem unending and my friend said it was like whack-a-mole or constantly putting out one fire to discover another one raging. This post reminds me that every little fire or silent battle I’ve put out (getting my sick pup a vet appointment, scheduling car maintenance, etc.)- it’s good to take a step back and remind myself that I am capable and I should be proud of all I’ve done.